Off Topic: Anyone here dealing with parents with Dementia?

[frou]

Dad 87 has it. It's brutal and we are trying to cope as best we can. He is at home and mom refuses to put him in a home. Every day is a new chapter of dad falling down, or being massively angry, cussing. My sisters live in town and they go out every day to help mom but damn it's a hell of a lot to handle. Any tips, or good advice would be helpful. I know we are not the only ones dealing with this horrible disease.

 

[Goldentot]

Dad 87 has it. It's brutal and we are trying to cope as best we can. He is at home and mom refuses to put him in a home. Every day is a new chapter of dad falling down, or being massively angry, cussing. My sisters live in town and they go out every day to help mom but damn it's a hell of a lot to handle. Any tips, or good advice would be helpful. I know we are not the only ones dealing with this horrible disease.

Get professional help. Your mom won’t be able to provide the care it takes and it will crush her to try. It’s no different than if your dad needed a heart bypass and your mom thought she could provide his surgery. He needs to be turned over to professional caregivers.

 

[LAY THE WOODY]

Went through it with my grandad. It's very ugly brother. I don't know what to tell you. Just stay close. Good moments are still there but like I said, it's ugly.

 

[OUSOONER67]

My wife and I went through it with her Mom a couple of yrs ago and yes it is terrible. Her Family didn't want to put her in a home so a few of them took turns caring for her and one of those that did was not very reliable as far as keeping an eye on her. She was able to sneak out of the house and made it all the way down a very long driveway out into the highway a couple of times.
Also on her watch she fell and hit her head and was hospitalized for a brain bleed, when she was released from the hospital the same family member took her home, left her on the front porch steps because she forgot to get her cell phone charger so she left her there while she retrieved it, yep she fell, broke her femur and an Ambulance came and took her right back to the Hospital that same day she was released. She passed away 4 days later at home hospice because she never woke up after the surgery. I believe that she was ok with that because she told them before it got really bad that she did not want to live because she knew it would get worse and she prayed that the Lord would just take her soon. He did.
My point is that people may say they can handle it or take care of them but most of them cannot. In my Wifes case they were not mad at their sister because she was pretty much the only one that could stay with their Mom because she was unemployed at the time, everyone else either had kids to deal with or full time jobs and could not help very much or any at all. I think she would still be here had they got her in a place where she could be looked after properly but who knows, she could have fallen there just as easily I guess.
I feel for you, its a terrible thing and hope I never have it, its not only tough on the individual but man it takes a toll on everyone else as well.

 

[CTOkie]

Dad 87 has it. It's brutal and we are trying to cope as best we can. He is at home and mom refuses to put him in a home. Every day is a new chapter of dad falling down, or being massively angry, cussing. My sisters live in town and they go out every day to help mom but damn it's a hell of a lot to handle. Any tips, or good advice would be helpful. I know we are not the only ones dealing with this horrible disease.

My mother had it and had to enter an assisted living facility, which she loved.
The last normal conversation I had with her was in 2008, 4 years before she died. I thanked her for all she did for me and my brother and that I loved her. A year later, such a conversation wasn’t possible.
Her death was as much a relief as it was a time to grieve. There was absolutely no quality of life in her final years.
My opinion is that your dad should go to a place where he can be protected and cared for with visits as often as possible. In his “right” mind, I believe he would want you to care as much for yourselves as much for him.
Tell him you love him as much as possible, whatever you decide.

 

[ranxfromindy]

@Goldentot is correct. My 87 yr old father tried to do it himself with my 82 yr old mother and once she started “wandering” I finally convinced him to let the professionals do it. We put her in a fantastic facility in a small town in central Iowa and they’ve been great. She’s been in there for two years and he drives to see her every other day. She’s physically much healthier but most conversations are one-sided, although her old self breaks through for a quick comment every now and then. She stopped talking about coming home after the first year and it’s not easy to watch the final stages, but we all know that.

 

[Patriotgame]

Dad 87 has it. It's brutal and we are trying to cope as best we can. He is at home and mom refuses to put him in a home. Every day is a new chapter of dad falling down, or being massively angry, cussing. My sisters live in town and they go out every day to help mom but damn it's a hell of a lot to handle. Any tips, or good advice would be helpful. I know we are not the only ones dealing with this horrible disease.

I dealt with this with my dad back in 2010-2012 when he finally passed away. He was on hospice during that entire period and luckily, given his condition, he was allowed a home health care nurse visit twice a day which allowed me to have eyes on them every day since none of my siblings or I were closer than 200 miles to them.

See if his doctor will allow any kind of home health care. Those people are great about dealing with dementia patients and helping calm them.

Mom and dad made me promise they could pass at home, not any kind of facility.

 

[Lost Chickasaw]

I agree with everyone else. It's tough to watch and even harder to be responsible for them during that period. I watched my grandparents go thru it from their home, and currently watching my stepdad go thru it in a home. It's definitely better to have some professional help. Even if it's just someone that can come into the house during the day. Your mom likely feels that she can't let him go into a home because she would be failing him. You just have to sell it to her as he would get better care with some professional support. My thoughts are with you guys!

 

[Phaeded]

Dad turns 91 tomorrow - so yeah, dementia issues (long term memory good, situational awareness in the present is often beyond bad). I'm in Chicago and two sisters on either coast so this is hard but he refuses to leave house. Today a care person started who will be by his house 3 times a week. His insurance and/or Medicare is paying for at least some of this. Incredibly my dad said "nice girl - you'd like her" and has not seemed this happy in a while, all the time before complaining he needs no help (my mom passed a couple of years ago). Only Day 1 but this is encouraging and quite frankly he belongs in an assisted care facility, but this will have to do for now. And he's more social than I am - lot's of friends and fairly active, but with him behind the wheel is a nightmare waiting to happen (new service person can drive - just sign away the liability issues).

If you are in OKC (my dad's in N. OKC) here's the in-home care services number - Right at Home: 405.471.6201

Of course you might want to check with your parents' insurance and Medicare coverage options first.

 

[bcsoonerfan]

Grandfather had Alzheimers and it was tough to watch him deteriorate. He was very fit and active. After grandma passed he went down hill quickly. Can't imagine living in a 4 bedroom home by yourself would help in any situation.

After he was picked up by Edmond PD doing 10 miles an hour on the shoulder of the highway and once asked where he lived he told them Albertlee, Minnesota, the family had no choice but to turn to a nursing home.

My mother and I visited regularly and he usually had no clue who I was and eventually his own daughter. That was one of the hardest things I ever saw was watching my mother cry because her father didn't recognize her. Shortly he forgot, essentially, how to eat and was near the end.

It is a monster and a nightmare. Maybe my greatest fear in this life is losing my grip of reality.

 

[Oklabama]

My mother, her brother, her mother and her grandmother all died after years of suffering with dementia. My mom died at the age of 87. My father was 89 at the time and had been caring for her for about 5 or 6 years. He never would agree to place her in care facility. Basically it took mom’s doctor to demand that she be placed in a home. He went to see her everyday and stayed for hours until she died after only 3 months in the care unit. We didn’t think our dad would live a year after mom died. He passed last March at the age of 99 at home. It’s my biggest health concern because I’ve seen it first hand. If it comes my way, I’m going to a home so my wife doesn’t have to deal it.

 

[LAY THE WOODY]

My mother, her brother, her mother and her grandmother all died after years of suffering with dementia. My mom died at the age of 87. My father was 89 at the time and had been caring for her for about 5 or 6 years. He never would agree to place her in care facility. Basically it took mom’s doctor to demand that she be placed in a home. He went to see her everyday and stayed for hours until she died after only 3 months in the care unit. We didn’t think our dad would live a year after mom died. He passed last March at the age of 99 at home. It’s my biggest health concern because I’ve seen it first hand. If it comes my way, I’m going to a home so my wife doesn’t have to deal it.

A part of life we ain't figured out quite yet brother. Stay close and keep em close. For the love .

 

[JConXtsy]

While not a response to already onset dementia, for those interested in preventing dementia, Max Lugavere has some very interesting arguments due to keen interest on the topic after watching his mother go through the same. I'm interested in seeing his upcoming film on the topic - "Little Empty Boxes."

Max Lugavere

The official site of science journalist and New York Times best-selling author Max Lugavere.

www.maxlugavere.com