Allow me to indulge myself with some long winded pouring out of emotions. You can ignore, relate, ridicule but I just need more release. A 5 mile run only took a little of the emotion out.
This past Tuesday morning I dropped my wife off at the airport as she was flying to Japan to fight in a Kendo tournament. I was looking forward to having fun with my 11 year old twins and being the sole ruler in the house while also wondering how I was going to balance the full household responsibilities while handling a busy work week.
I did have a little concern over a Doctor's appointment later that day but for the most part my mind was racing with plans on a million battlefields. And I was in one of the later of the 5 stages of grief over the Texas loss.
The appointment was just before it was time to pick up the kids. When the doctor came in he gave me a quick glance and my heart sunk. It was one of those "f*ck, I hate this part of the job" looks. Right away he said the news was not good. "You have Cancer."
The floor opened up beneath me and my stomach plummeted. My life as I knew it stopped. One moment I was planning a bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah for my kids and my wife's 50th surprise party, the next thing I knew I was planning how to tell my wife she had my blessing to remarry and writing my own eulogy.
At first I went to a very dark place where I already accepted the worse as fact and was picturing life without me around. Professionally, I am trained to develop scenarios in great detail so although this is fairly common I probably took it to much greater lengths.
WIth a great support system (though my wife was totally oblivious to all of this and still won't know until she returns tomorrow) I was encouraged to think more positively until I heard further word. So while I was given very little info other than it was a rare form of cancer and that they hopefully caught it early, I had to wait until today to see the specialist to find out more.
My thoughts oscillated from the worse to thinking that hopefully this is nothing and I will just end of looking like a Drama Queen. I did my best to function normally with the kids even while one came down with the flu but I was a mess.
You hear about all these brave people with illness but I can assure that I was anything but brave. I was scared like a little school girl and cried often and randomly though somehow I held it together in front of the kids.
I also prayed. Obviously for good health but also for the courage to hold together whatever g-d had in mind for me. And I also prayed that if the news was good that I would forever hold on to these intense feelings of appreciation for all that I have been blessed with and with a renewed determination in life.
My sister joined me at the appointment to give me support and to be there to ask questions as she has had too much experience with these things. The doctor asked me how I was doing and I told him not so well. He asked what was wrong and I said "um, Cancer."
He said it is not Cancer.
117 hours of emotional hell and just like that it was over. There are some issues but hardly anything to get worked up about and certainly not a death sentence. The GP did not fully comprehend the diagnosis and assumed that the sarcoma was cancerous which is not always the case. He missed the part of it being benign.
I don't expect anyone to get anything out of this but I have found writing to be helpful.
I do totally get it how we can me so consumed with all things OU and even be pricks to each other when discussing the merits or failings of an offensive/defensive co-ordinator while at the drop of a thread be totally empathetic towards a fellow scooper suffering tragedy or hardship.
My prayer for each scooper is that they enjoy every moment of being a Sooner fan in which ever way works for them but also really enjoy every special person in their life and that when you are inevitably thrown a high heater that you have a great support system. If I can ever help in that regard I would be honored to do so..
This past Tuesday morning I dropped my wife off at the airport as she was flying to Japan to fight in a Kendo tournament. I was looking forward to having fun with my 11 year old twins and being the sole ruler in the house while also wondering how I was going to balance the full household responsibilities while handling a busy work week.
I did have a little concern over a Doctor's appointment later that day but for the most part my mind was racing with plans on a million battlefields. And I was in one of the later of the 5 stages of grief over the Texas loss.
The appointment was just before it was time to pick up the kids. When the doctor came in he gave me a quick glance and my heart sunk. It was one of those "f*ck, I hate this part of the job" looks. Right away he said the news was not good. "You have Cancer."
The floor opened up beneath me and my stomach plummeted. My life as I knew it stopped. One moment I was planning a bar mitzvah and bat mitzvah for my kids and my wife's 50th surprise party, the next thing I knew I was planning how to tell my wife she had my blessing to remarry and writing my own eulogy.
At first I went to a very dark place where I already accepted the worse as fact and was picturing life without me around. Professionally, I am trained to develop scenarios in great detail so although this is fairly common I probably took it to much greater lengths.
WIth a great support system (though my wife was totally oblivious to all of this and still won't know until she returns tomorrow) I was encouraged to think more positively until I heard further word. So while I was given very little info other than it was a rare form of cancer and that they hopefully caught it early, I had to wait until today to see the specialist to find out more.
My thoughts oscillated from the worse to thinking that hopefully this is nothing and I will just end of looking like a Drama Queen. I did my best to function normally with the kids even while one came down with the flu but I was a mess.
You hear about all these brave people with illness but I can assure that I was anything but brave. I was scared like a little school girl and cried often and randomly though somehow I held it together in front of the kids.
I also prayed. Obviously for good health but also for the courage to hold together whatever g-d had in mind for me. And I also prayed that if the news was good that I would forever hold on to these intense feelings of appreciation for all that I have been blessed with and with a renewed determination in life.
My sister joined me at the appointment to give me support and to be there to ask questions as she has had too much experience with these things. The doctor asked me how I was doing and I told him not so well. He asked what was wrong and I said "um, Cancer."
He said it is not Cancer.
117 hours of emotional hell and just like that it was over. There are some issues but hardly anything to get worked up about and certainly not a death sentence. The GP did not fully comprehend the diagnosis and assumed that the sarcoma was cancerous which is not always the case. He missed the part of it being benign.
I don't expect anyone to get anything out of this but I have found writing to be helpful.
I do totally get it how we can me so consumed with all things OU and even be pricks to each other when discussing the merits or failings of an offensive/defensive co-ordinator while at the drop of a thread be totally empathetic towards a fellow scooper suffering tragedy or hardship.
My prayer for each scooper is that they enjoy every moment of being a Sooner fan in which ever way works for them but also really enjoy every special person in their life and that when you are inevitably thrown a high heater that you have a great support system. If I can ever help in that regard I would be honored to do so..
