OT: need advice fellas

[Yankees03]

The last few weeks my son has made several comments about how he hates his school, the other kids( not everyone of course), and is just generally unhappy. He wants to attend the school 7 or 8 miles down the road and he thinks he would be happier there. However due to transferring he would have to sit out a year of sports. From being a star in junior high to being just a play occasionally sophomore is really affecting him,although he says that's not the reason. As a guy, I want to tell him just man up and get over it. At the same time I want my son happy. Any advice from any of you guys who perhaps has experienced the same with their kids or as a kid yourself. Thank u guys for any insight

 

[Section22Sooner]

The last few weeks my son has made several comments about how he hates his school, the other kids( not everyone of course), and is just generally unhappy. He wants to attend the school 7 or 8 miles down the road and he thinks he would be happier there. However due to transferring he would have to sit out a year of sports. From being a star in junior high to being just a play occasionally sophomore is really affecting him,although he says that's not the reason. As a guy, I want to tell him just man up and get over it. At the same time I want my son happy. Any advice from any of you guys who perhaps has experienced the same with their kids or as a kid yourself. Thank u guys for any insight

When I was 17, I worked a part time coop job in a drafting department of a machinery manufacturer in Detroit (while attending HS). I was the least of the least of the boys working there. Those were some tough journeymen I worked with. They'd have made Humphrey Bogart and E.G. Robinson cry.

One day, I got home from work and I just about had enough. I was sitting at the kitchen table talking to my late father. Dad was a very soft-spoken, but tough gentleman. He was a former US Air Force P-47 pilot in WWII and had seen it all. When I started sniffling, he shocked the heck out of me when I saw a part of Dad I never had seen before. He basically told me to man up and get over it, "It's called the road of rough knocks, and any man who will ever amount to anything has to go down that road". That was one of the most liberating and memorable moments of my life. It changed me forever. Thank you Dad.

 

[Yankees03]

So basically man up? Lol that's what I think too its just hard seeing my son not happy. Maybe it's just a phase

 

[AbsoluteZer0]

It is a tough lesson. I have kind of been where you are. If you don't earn the top spot, you will never be top notch. The best way to be all around better is to take the challenge and use it as motivation to improve, not accept mediocracy somewhere else.

The level of competition gets tougher the higher you go, you have to adapt and overcome. It is an opportunity to rise up and better yourself. This is true in many phases of life, this is just the first one.

 

[Oklabama]

A friend of mine and I played at the same junior high for three years. We both started on our 7th, 8th and 9th grade teams and never lost a game. We both moved out of district our sophomore year. I went to a class A school Star-Spencer. My friend played at the highest state class school Midwest City. I started my sophomore year. My friend who I thought was as good or better than me was running junior varsity and not playing much. He lived 2 miles from me. I lived in Midwest City but just in the Star Spencer school district. He talked his dad into applying for a transfer but back then it was hard to get approvals so he couldn't transfer. He never played much at Midwest City. I played until I blew out my knee my senior summer. We lost to Ada my senior year in the state championship and felt sorry for myself because I didn't get to play my final year. My friend told me how lucky I was to have been able to play and contribute at a school like I did instead of just being one of team like he was at the more competitive school. So I've always thought that playing at a school that gives you the best chance of having fun and getting to play is best. Neither one of us was going to play college ball. I was the lucky one. He was just as talented and could have contributed to our team but wasn't allowed to sit out and transfer. Yankee, good luck!

 

[soonerfastnloud]

I would really sit down with him and go over the whole scenario, and work it out together. It would depend on why he is not happy at the school he is in.

 

[stuck in del rio]

Depends on what you both think is more important - short term happiness or long-term development. If his short-term happiness is what is important, then transfer (although I bet he finds the new school isn't all he thinks it is). If his long-term progress and development as a man and maturing is what is important, then stick it out where he is, learn how to be a part of the group, make friends, etc.

 

[Yankees03]

Well his current school is defending state champions in basketball lol. He played sparingly as a freshman and will probably contribute but not start this year. I think his confidence and self esteem has just taking a hit. The bad thing is I think to myself what if he finishes his last 2 1-2 years at his current school and hates it. Oklabama I was pretty confident in my decision until you said that. Thanks a lot lol. The new school doesn't have football by the way

 

[Oklabama]

Only too happy to help. LOL

 

[JConXtsy]

I would really sit down with him and go over the whole scenario, and work it out together. It would depend on why he is not happy at the school he is in.

Best advice.
Let your son make his own decisions and lie in his own bed. As a father, you should be there to offer advice and help him consider all of the consequences that he might not have the foresight to predict. And whatever he finally chooses, support him 100%. Never look back and say, "well, I told you so."

 

[Soonerheart]

What doesn’t kill you normally makes you stronger… Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Learning to deal with as many of life’s problems early on in life leads to a happier outcome in the back half of life.

 

[Got Rings?]

Go with your gut feeling as a Dad. You know what is best. Whatever decision you come to discuss it with your son and do the pros and cons and lead him to the decision that you want him to do but hes got to feel like it was his decision.

 

[Yankees03]

If it was his decision, he would have been gone already lol. His current school is on my wife's way to work so its easy. The other school is 7 to 8 miles so 2 trips out there a day equals to 150 miles a week. Also as I stated he would be not playing anything for a year. My gut tells me it would be good move, but its just a guess. For all I know, he might hate it.

 

[Yankees03]

Soonerfast he has told me he just doesn't feel like he fits in. The funny thing is he is a good looking kid, has a girlfriend who worships him lol and is a good athlete. I told him in hs its almost considered cool to be a punk or a jerk. However that's not him

 

[gsxrace01]

poor kid.

 

[Lost Chickasaw]

There may be some underlying issues other than sports. Sit down and talk to him to make sure. Hell I switched schools and got better coaching and more of an opportunity.

 

[Plainosooner]

I agree half with JC And half wih SFnL. I think this might call for the most honest communication you have ever had with him. You need I believe more than he is unhappy. You need the why. My belief is that it must be his decision, so long as the logistics of cost are the same. And getting there.

But he really needs your guidance about making a solid decision. And if he is not genuine with you, he does not get what he wants. But this is a big deal. The last thing you want is for him to decide to leave and then discover the grass is not greener. With mid teens, that happens a lot.

 

[LongTimeSooner]

Not to berate you or or son, but sports isn't an important thing in life. Achievement in academics isn't either. Finding out how to eat the sh*t sandwich and come back for seconds is.

Go the tougher route, find a way to overcome.

 

[humblesooner]

There may be some underlying issues other than sports. Sit down and talk to him to make sure. Hell I switched schools and got better coaching and more of an opportunity.

As I was reading through these replies, I was already thinking along these lines.
One things with kids is hormones can make them feel like you are describing.
My other thought and prevailing thought is there may be more to the story than he just hates the school and is in general unhappy.
This could be clinical.
I would have a frank, 2-way discussion with him and point blank ask him What else is going on? Sometimes teens just need a nudge before they will spill it. Let him know that at his age, he can discuss anything with you and mean it when you tell him.
Next, I would consider at least one visit with a therapist, just to try to ensure that you aren't missing any signs.
Lastly, I would consider his request, but would let him know that he needs to be sure it is what he wants. You can't switch back and forth based on how you feel each morning, week, month.
It sounds like he is liked and has a girl who cares for him.
Push and make sure there isn't something else going on that he isn't telling you about.

Good luck. With teenagers, you will need it whichever decision you make.

 

[Yankees03]

Humble that's just it, I've asked until I'm blue in the face and he just says "its nothing dad, I just don't feel like I fit in"......the superintendent has even called him in to talk to him and nothing...zilch. As I said earlier I think it stems from being a big dog in jh and now in hs he is just a role player.

 

[humblesooner]

Humble that's just it, I've asked until I'm blue in the face and he just says "its nothing dad, I just don't feel like I fit in"......the superintendent has even called him in to talk to him and nothing...zilch. As I said earlier I think it stems from being a big dog in jh and now in hs he is just a role player.

As has been stated earlier, you are going to have to trust and go with your gut.
If the big dog/role player is the deal, I would certainly try to get him to admit it, along with the assurance that that is not a BAD reason.
If he can admit it with the assurance that it isn't a deal killer for you, it would certainly make me feel better as a parent.
Actually, if he were mine and he would admit it to me, I would feel a sense of relief.
I had a daughter, not a son, but at this age, the one thing I worried about was medical/clinical issues.
I'm was a firm believer in being hard-nose, but missing potential issues that were out of her control scared me to death.
It ain't easy.
Again, good luck to you. Just know that they do eventually grow up and mature.

 

[Section22Sooner]

This could be clinical.
...I would consider at least one visit with a therapist, just to try to ensure that you aren't missing any signs.

Another drug presciption for another unhappy teen. That'll do it.

 

[soonerdave]

My advice would be to simply man up and stick it out, provided of course the academics at his current school are solid. However, if you do elect to let him transfer, I'd inquire about transferring during Christmas break. That will allow him to better acclimate to the new school before his full junior year, and make friends going into summer break that will carry over into the beginning of the next school year.

 

[AbsoluteZer0]

My advice would be to simply man up and stick it out, provided of course the academics at his current school are solid. However, if you do elect to let him transfer, I'd inquire about transferring during Christmas break. That will allow him to better acclimate to the new school before his full junior year, and make friends going into summer break that will carry over into the beginning of the next school year.

I agree. Very few life situations let you quit and move to an easier situation. That may be the bigger lesson.

 

[humblesooner]

Another drug presciption for another unhappy teen. That'll do it.

Let me go re-read my post and see what I said about drugs.
.
.
.
.
I'm back. Couldn't find that part. If you get a chance, highlight it for me.
My comment was to talk to a therapist to see if there was anything I was missing. Never even said anything about taking the son to the therapist.
Before you criticize people who you think have different thoughts than you, you might trying to understand what they are saying first.

 

[Soonersincefitty]

I think this would be a good time to let him have some experiences beyond his normal routine.

Since I believe you all are in the same neighborhood...get him hooked up with GSXrace01. That's right.
Even the Amish have a program for their youth called Rumspringa.

It allows for the Amish kids to venture into cities and try more secular things. It's generally only for a specified amount of time...a week or two.
Think it over.
Or you can disregard this and handle it in more traditional ways.


(either way, I don't give a crap)

 

[trademarcs]

My father never let me quit anything. He was a hard ass, and I have thanked him for it numerous times throughout the years. Kids now days are coddled and spoiled. One thing my father would always tell me when I thought things were tough....."When the going gets tough, the tough get going!" There was times I absolutely hated him when I was a kid, never let me quit, always on my ass to do better, and NO excuses. I told him when I was a teenager that "I hated his guts", just like most kids feel when they don't get their way.........his response was "GOOD, then I'm doing my job", I've NEVER forgotten it. He never worried about my feelings, if you start, you FINISH it......period!

 

[Bigleak]

My father never let me quit anything. He was a hard ass, and I have thanked him for it numerous times throughout the years. Kids now days are coddled and spoiled. One thing my father would always tell me when I thought things were tough....."When the going gets tough, the tough get going!" There was times I absolutely hated him when I was a kid, never let me quit, always on my ass to do better, and NO excuses. I told him when I was a teenager that "I hated his guts", just like most kids feel when they don't get their way.........his response was "GOOD, then I'm doing my job", I've NEVER forgotten it. He never worried about my feelings, if you start, you FINISH it......period!

Do we have the same Dad?? Sure sounds like it!!!!

 

[PtLavacaSooner]

I went to Plano Sr High when we were labeled "Teenage Suicide Capitol of the World." One of my best friends brother and his gf were the first to do it when I was a freshman. Over the next two years the easy way out was taken by several of my classmates and others in grades ahead of us. During this we won back to back state titles in football, a girl's soccer title, boys soccer title, runner up in baseball and were named the Dallas Morning News best in state athletic department.

Plano also had the first and third largest graduating classes in Texas most of those years, if not the top two. We were the fastest growing place in America. There were those who'd been there, and a lot more coming in. Many were elitist and all around a-holes. Money and status meant a lot to certain groups.

Parents didn't want their kid dating so and so, so they'd kill themselves.

Bobby has a new Mustang GT, my two year old IROC Z sucks, I guess I'll kill myself...

I don't fit in...

I would have a serious talk with you son. I hope and pray that he is not like some of those that didn't get to see life after HS. My hometown went through this scenario twice in a decade. You are getting part of the message from your son, finding out what is at the core can do wonders into finding the solution. Is it athletics or is it maybe some older classmates? Teens can be ruthless.

You and your wife are the best therapists your son can ever have. Moving to another school doesn't address the issue, it could make it worse. That doesn't mean he shouldn't transfer either, but "why?" It's got to be better than, "I just don't fit in."

 

[Soo-ner]

I believe you should advise him that he will need to give you a good reason for transferring!!! If he does to your satisfaction, then let him transfer. If not, hopefully you will have found out his real reason for wanting the transfer and deal with it appropriately...

 

[Yankees03]

Well a little update. I got a text from his girlfriend yesterday. Apparently the reason he wants to transfer is he feels no one pays attention to him and that no one cares about him. Basically he doesn't stand out as he once did and he just blends in. How does a parent even deal with this type of situation? Lol. It's too deep for me.

 

[trademarcs]

Well a little update. I got a text from his girlfriend yesterday. Apparently the reason he wants to transfer is he feels no one pays attention to him and that no one cares about him. Basically he doesn't stand out as he once did and he just blends in. How does a parent even deal with this type of situation? Lol. It's too deep for me.

Oh geez, tell him to quit worrying about being popular, that's what girls do!

 

[stuck in del rio]

Well a little update. I got a text from his girlfriend yesterday. Apparently the reason he wants to transfer is he feels no one pays attention to him and that no one cares about him. Basically he doesn't stand out as he once did and he just blends in. How does a parent even deal with this type of situation? Lol. It's too deep for me.

I can understand that. Being a wallflower is not easy, especially when you don't want to be in, but because you're now in a different circle and you don't know anyone and have no friends, that's the perception...

Time does heal all wounds. Easy to say, tough for a 16 year old to understand. He can't see it now but in time he will make friends, kids will listen to what he says, he will get the attention he wants.

If he transfers, that process starts all over again. Besides sports, he needs to find a niche, and fill it the best he can, whether it's hobbies, art, tool shop, a part time job, clubs, activities, etc. Friends and attention will follow when he finds his niche.

 

[Soo-ner]

Well a little update. I got a text from his girlfriend yesterday. Apparently the reason he wants to transfer is he feels no one pays attention to him and that no one cares about him. Basically he doesn't stand out as he once did and he just blends in. How does a parent even deal with this type of situation? Lol. It's too deep for me.

Hell, just let him transfer, and find out the grass is not always greener on the other side. Please advise him that "life is a shit sandwich and every day is just another bite".