My wife sent me to the store last weekend to pick up some cupcakes for my daughter’s third birthday party. I went to the store, picked up the cupcakes and started making my way to the checkout line. On the way, I noticed a huge display of Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. I’m serious when I say that there was a ray of light shining directly down on the display as if angels had put them there just for me. I hadn’t eaten one of those cakes since I was a kid and I quickly remembered how much I loved those damn things. Knowing that my wife wasn’t around to deter me from purchasing said cakes, I excitedly threw a box in the basket. I was so eager to eat this magnificent treat that I popped one out of the box and devoured it while the cashier took my money and quietly passed judgment on me. The cake was just alright but not what I remembered growing up. I then walked to my truck, put my cell phone in the cart and put the cupcakes in the passenger seat. I then decided that maybe I should eat one more Christmas Tree cake to see if maybe the first one was just a dud. I grabbed another cake out of the box and pushed the cart into the cart bin.
I proceeded to eat the second cake and began my journey home. About 2 miles away I realized that I didn’t have my cell phone. F--K!!! I had left it in the cart during my fixation with eating cake #2. I immediately turned around, ran two red lights and sped back to the cart bin. Every bin was empty. This was in a 4 minute time span. I frantically started running around the parking lot (with Christmas Tree Cake icing on my face) asking each cart boy if they had seen my phone. Nobody had seen it. I searched every cart that they had brought in. No phone. Went to customer service to see if anyone had left a lost cellphone. No luck. Feeling defeated and pissed off at Little Debbie; I hung my head low and proceeded out the door. On the way out, I saw the cart boys huddled around chatting. Most of them seemed high and one was mildly retarded. I muttered, “I’ll give $50 to the person that finds my phone” and then dejectedly walked to my truck.
I hopped in the truck, turned it on and began to back out, when out of the corner of my eye I see the one semi-retarded cart boy running towards me with my cell phone in his hand. It was a Christmas miracle… right? I mean for this one mentally disabled cart boy to miraculously find my phone from the time I offered the $50 reward to when I got in my truck. Anyway, he walks up to me, hands me the phone and just stares at me… waiting on his $50. He tells me that he just happened to look down and see my phone in a cart as I was walking out. This probably meant that it was in his pocket, but the idea of a quick $50 sounded more appealing to him. I was so happy to have my phone back that I paid him his money, thanked him and drove away. It ended up being the most expensive trip to the store for cupcakes in the history of mankind. While driving home, the mixture of Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes and nerves apparently became more than I could bear. A harmless fart turned into the worst shart of my lifetime. Scat went all the way through my jeans. I walked in the house with a half-eaten box of Christmas tree cakes, the box of cupcakes that I was sent to pick up, and massively shit stained jeans and underwear.
The moral of this story is that Little Debbie is the antichrist and a pretentious whore and her Christmas Tree cakes will ruin your life if you aren’t careful.
I proceeded to eat the second cake and began my journey home. About 2 miles away I realized that I didn’t have my cell phone. F--K!!! I had left it in the cart during my fixation with eating cake #2. I immediately turned around, ran two red lights and sped back to the cart bin. Every bin was empty. This was in a 4 minute time span. I frantically started running around the parking lot (with Christmas Tree Cake icing on my face) asking each cart boy if they had seen my phone. Nobody had seen it. I searched every cart that they had brought in. No phone. Went to customer service to see if anyone had left a lost cellphone. No luck. Feeling defeated and pissed off at Little Debbie; I hung my head low and proceeded out the door. On the way out, I saw the cart boys huddled around chatting. Most of them seemed high and one was mildly retarded. I muttered, “I’ll give $50 to the person that finds my phone” and then dejectedly walked to my truck.
I hopped in the truck, turned it on and began to back out, when out of the corner of my eye I see the one semi-retarded cart boy running towards me with my cell phone in his hand. It was a Christmas miracle… right? I mean for this one mentally disabled cart boy to miraculously find my phone from the time I offered the $50 reward to when I got in my truck. Anyway, he walks up to me, hands me the phone and just stares at me… waiting on his $50. He tells me that he just happened to look down and see my phone in a cart as I was walking out. This probably meant that it was in his pocket, but the idea of a quick $50 sounded more appealing to him. I was so happy to have my phone back that I paid him his money, thanked him and drove away. It ended up being the most expensive trip to the store for cupcakes in the history of mankind. While driving home, the mixture of Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes and nerves apparently became more than I could bear. A harmless fart turned into the worst shart of my lifetime. Scat went all the way through my jeans. I walked in the house with a half-eaten box of Christmas tree cakes, the box of cupcakes that I was sent to pick up, and massively shit stained jeans and underwear.
The moral of this story is that Little Debbie is the antichrist and a pretentious whore and her Christmas Tree cakes will ruin your life if you aren’t careful.
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