Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming...
Karma is a bitch.
Sincerely,
the Titanic
Sorry to hear about the global warming...
Karma is a bitch.
Sincerely,
the Titanic
Last edited:
OT...This is so good it's worthy...
- Thread starter Soonersincefitty
- Start date
A Boy from Arkansas [/paste:font]
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through
the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money
on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here
at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to
talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole'
Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young
Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the
semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father
asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good
results they have started to teach the animals how to
read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we
get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the
class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his
girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the
whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk,
nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie
his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to
help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him
read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole'
Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your
Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who
lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you
shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through
the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money
on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern
education is developing! They actually have a program here
at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to
talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole'
Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young
Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the
semester, the money again runs out.
The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father
asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says,
"but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good
results they have started to teach the animals how to
read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we
get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the
class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his
girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the
whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk,
nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie
his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to
help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad.
She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him
read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news.
Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole'
Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner,
reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually
does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your
Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who
lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you
shot that lying damn dog before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
Back in the days when Billy Graham was still preaching frequently, his organization would fly him in a couple of days early, have a limo driver pick him up and take him a few miles from town so that he could spend a couple of days preparing for the task and finalizing what he was going to say.
Billy had a crusade on the east coast. The limo driver picked him up at the airport with plans to take him 20 miles down this two lane country road to a small town for some time alone in meditation. They'd gone maybe five miles and the limo driver turned around and said, "Mr Graham, is there anything I can do for you?" Billy replied without hesitation: in that heavy North Carolina accent, "You know, sir. I've always wanted to drive a limo. This would be an answer to prayer if we could swap seats."
The driver was surprised, thinking to himself -- I'm not supposed to do this ... It's BILLY GRAHAM!! SURE!. He even let Billy wear his limo driver hat.
Now apparently Billy had a bit of a lead foot, and he was driving a vehicle he'd never seen before, in a place he'd never been before. He cruised through a speed trap in a small town and was pulled over. The police officer approaches the car and with the window rolled down, says, "You know you were driving 25 over the limit!?" Billy told him that he didn't know that, but didn't doubt the truth of the officer's statement.
"Well let me see your license." He looks at the license, and then Billy's face. The license again and the face again, and then excuses himself: "I gotta go call the office, I'll be right back."
In his squad car, he calls the switchboard and says, "I have to talk to the chief... NOW! The chief comes on sarcastically "what do YOU want?"
The cop: "Now I know that we NEVER give any extra consideration to ANY celebrity no matter who they are."
Chief: "You're darn right we don't. .... but who are we talking about?"
The officer seemed puzzled: "Well, I tell you. I'm really not sure. ... But I think ... it might be Jesus. Because Billy Graham is his chauffeur!!"
Billy had a crusade on the east coast. The limo driver picked him up at the airport with plans to take him 20 miles down this two lane country road to a small town for some time alone in meditation. They'd gone maybe five miles and the limo driver turned around and said, "Mr Graham, is there anything I can do for you?" Billy replied without hesitation: in that heavy North Carolina accent, "You know, sir. I've always wanted to drive a limo. This would be an answer to prayer if we could swap seats."
The driver was surprised, thinking to himself -- I'm not supposed to do this ... It's BILLY GRAHAM!! SURE!. He even let Billy wear his limo driver hat.
Now apparently Billy had a bit of a lead foot, and he was driving a vehicle he'd never seen before, in a place he'd never been before. He cruised through a speed trap in a small town and was pulled over. The police officer approaches the car and with the window rolled down, says, "You know you were driving 25 over the limit!?" Billy told him that he didn't know that, but didn't doubt the truth of the officer's statement.
"Well let me see your license." He looks at the license, and then Billy's face. The license again and the face again, and then excuses himself: "I gotta go call the office, I'll be right back."
In his squad car, he calls the switchboard and says, "I have to talk to the chief... NOW! The chief comes on sarcastically "what do YOU want?"
The cop: "Now I know that we NEVER give any extra consideration to ANY celebrity no matter who they are."
Chief: "You're darn right we don't. .... but who are we talking about?"
The officer seemed puzzled: "Well, I tell you. I'm really not sure. ... But I think ... it might be Jesus. Because Billy Graham is his chauffeur!!"
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know,
is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.
Just their luck, they had a dumb blond for a waitress. After they gave
her their order, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained
pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. It concerned them,
and wondered how could they swap the contents of the two bottles
without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
-- this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came
up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty
saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their
solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper
shaker contains salt and visa versa."
But before they could finish, the beautiful dumb blond waitress interrupted.
"Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of
both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Reminds me of our government. Solutions would be so simple, but the
brilliant minds in government have to make every situation difficult...
Let's finally high 5 the blondes!!!!!
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know,
is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local café.
Just their luck, they had a dumb blond for a waitress. After they gave
her their order, one of them discovered that their salt shaker contained
pepper, and their pepper shaker was full of salt. It concerned them,
and wondered how could they swap the contents of the two bottles
without spilling any, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly
-- this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas and finally, came
up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty
saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their
solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper
shaker contains salt and visa versa."
But before they could finish, the beautiful dumb blond waitress interrupted.
"Oh -- sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of
both bottles and switched them. There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
Reminds me of our government. Solutions would be so simple, but the
brilliant minds in government have to make every situation difficult...
Let's finally high 5 the blondes!!!!!
fiffy...U are Unique! I am SO Proud of You for having the good sense to admire females with BRAINS, rather than 'Looks'. How Special!
